


Same Old Lang Syne

by hedonisticnightmares



Category: Merlin - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Magic, Gen, M/M, Reincarnation, Same Old Lang Syne, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-07
Updated: 2014-04-07
Packaged: 2018-01-18 13:17:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1429927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hedonisticnightmares/pseuds/hedonisticnightmares
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin usually stays in on Christmas Eve, after all, he's spent the last thousand years alone.  He's used to it.  However, when he has to make a run to the grocery store this year, he's surprised to find that Arthur has returned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Same Old Lang Syne

**Author's Note:**

> Based on Dan Fogelberg's song "Same Old Lang Syne" which I love dearly. Please listen to it before reading this fic. Please also let the record show that this is my very first fic and except for a quick read through from a close friend, is completely unbetaed. I'm extremely new to Ao3, so I appreciate anyone who reads this!
> 
> I don't really know where the fic as whole is taking place (I'm awful at setting) so, just picture whatever suits your fancy ^_^ I really just wanted to focus on the feel of the song and Merlin's relationship to Arthur in the vein that Merlin has continued to live after the fall of Camelot but Arthur is reborn/reincarnated.
> 
> There is more I could add to this fic in terms of making it multi-chapter, but I don't know if I ever will. Only time will tell, I think! 
> 
> Also, if you aren't familiar with the phrase 'Auld Lang Syne' it translates to something like 'Times Long Past', which I felt suited Merlin's and Arthur's relationship perfectly. It's easy enough to google if you want more information on it ^_^
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading.

“Same Old Lang Syne”

_Met my old lover in the grocery store_  
 _The snow was falling, Christmas Eve_  
 _I stole behind her in the frozen foods_  
 _And I touched her on the sleeve_

Merlin sighed as he pushed his grocery cart through the store.  The lights were flickering and dim, and garbled, static-filled Christmas music played over the loud-speaker, which was occasionally interrupted by an employee announcement or store advertisement.  Except for the odd patron or down-trodden employee, the place was empty.  Honestly, it was depressing.  Nothing was lonelier or more pathetic than finding oneself alone at the only twenty-four hour store in the area on Christmas Eve.  He wouldn’t have normally come out, but it just so happened that he had run out of a few essentials, and he really didn’t think he could stomach another night of instant noodles, nor could he do without toilet paper.  So, he had forced himself out and now he was meandering down the aisles in hopes of finding something that looked at least appetizing enough for a halfway decent Christmas dinner for one.  He had spent so many Christmases alone at this point, a thousand years’ worth of Christmases, that it didn’t usually bother him, but sometimes he couldn’t help picturing his old life, how lively the castle had always been around Christmas.  It made him nostalgic.

He was lost in that distant memory, music and dancing, and hours of endless chores when he pushed his cart into the heels of a stranger, and was instantly pulled out of his own head, “Sorry, sorry about that, I wasn’t paying attention.”  He back pedaled as quickly as he could, cursing his innate clumsiness as he did so. 

_She didn't recognize the face at first_  
 _But then her eyes flew open wide_  
 _She went to hug me and she spilled her purse_  
 _And we laughed until we cried_

“Maybe you should consider fixing your eyes in front of you before you get behind the wheel of a dangerous push cart,” the tone was haughty in a way that was unmistakable to Merlin, and his eyes snapped up instantly to the stranger’s face.  His heart lurched in his chest.  He couldn’t help himself and he responded automatically.

“Only a dollop-head wouldn’t see a cart coming straight at him.” 

Arthur smirked, his eyes wide with disbelief at the gall of Merlin’s insult.  Of course it was Arthur.  It couldn’t have been anyone else even if Merlin had wanted it to be.  He looked just as he remembered him, proud, blond, handsome, and Merlin wanted to grab him and clutch him to his chest see if he was really there.  Arthur laughed then, a full, hearty laugh, that Merlin had missed so terribly for so long.  The ache in his chest was almost too much.

“’Dollop-head’? I’d say I’ve never heard that one before, but it seems…familiar. I suppose that doesn’t really make sense,” he laughed again, and Merlin couldn’t help laughing with him, and the painful ache in his chest in combination with the laughter brought tears to his eyes.  He was sure Arthur would just think them tears of mirth if he noticed at all.

“Maybe you heard it a long time ago. I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks you’re a pompous clot-pole,” Merlin tried to pull himself together, but one look back at Arthur, and he found himself nearly unable to do so.  It seemed so impossible to have Arthur standing here in front of him now, but sure as anything, it was Arthur’s face he was staring into.

“Sorry, but have we met before,” Arthur had a look that was somewhere between vague recognition and complete amusement on his features as he turned to face Merlin more fully.  “I think I’d remember someone as obviously useless as you, but I can’t place you. I’m Arthur.”  He held out his hand for Merlin to shake.  Merlin swallowed thickly as he took Arthur’s hand.  Of course, Arthur couldn’t possibly remember him.  Those were the rules, weren’t they?  You weren’t allowed to remember your past lives.  People wouldn’t be able to live with themselves if they did.   Sometimes Merlin felt that he was sometimes being punished in having lived for so long, virtually unchanged, and unable to start over with a new, clean slate.  He supposed it was the price of being born with magic, though he seldom had to use it to the extent he had when Camelot had been at its height of glory.  These days, he more often used it for the sorts of things Gaius would have scolded him for in the past, chores and odd jobs, but times had changed and Gaius was no more.  There were no evil forces to protect Camelot from anymore.  There was no Camelot.

“Merlin,” he offered, and shook Arthur’s hand.  He pulled it away before he let himself act on the urge to hold it any longer.  He had waited so long to see Arthur again.  Sometimes it seemed as though he would never return, and there had been many times where Merlin wondered if his own life would end before he ever got the chance.   He had been everywhere and done a great many things in his time, but meeting Arthur, here, in the supermarket, so completely by chance seemed to trump them all.  He had always thought he would know when and if Arthur was ever reborn, like some sort of psychic bond.  Kilgarrah had gone on and on about how inextricably connected they were, so it seemed logical enough.  Of course, that hadn’t been the case, and standing before him now was something like a dream to Merlin.

_We took her groceries to the checkout stand_  
 _The food was totaled up and bagged_  
 _We stood there lost in our embarrassment_  
 _As the conversation dragged_

“ _Mer_ lin? What sort of name is that?”  Arthur laughed again, “Well, Merlin, what are you doing running into poor unsuspecting souls with your cart on Christmas Eve?”  They were walking now, slowly making their way up to the checkout, Arthur with a basket full of sugar and fruit on his arm, and Merlin pushing his cart next to him. 

“It’s old,” Merlin grinned, “Very old. And I could ask you the same thing. I mean, minus the cart bit. But you know, someone with more than air between their ears might have avoided the cart altogether, so…” he shrugged and Arthur laughed as he shook his head in exasperation.

“If you must know,” he raised his brows as he held up his basket, “I’m picking up ingredients for a Christmas jam.”

“Ah, getting fat for the holidays then. See, I’m out picking up things I actually need. Can’t weather Christmas without er… toilet paper and…tuna…” he had only just realized that he didn’t actually have much in his cart at all.  Arthur had always had a way of distracting him.

Arthur snorted, “Of course, how could I have been so blind? Tuna and toilet paper, I can’t believe I forgot to grab some for myself. Christmas is ruined. If that’s your idea of food, no wonder you’re such a rail,” he teased.

“Hey, I’ll have you know, people underestimate the nutritional value of toilet paper when you’re really in a bind. Mix it up with the tuna and you hardly notice the paper-y bits at all.”

Arthur gave him a concerned look, as though Merlin might actually dine on toilet paper when he got the urge, and Merlin couldn’t help chuckling.  He had seen that look far too many times when he had been just a manservant.

They reached the checkout counter and Merlin let Arthur go first as he contemplated his options.  This was where they were supposed to part ways, wasn’t it?   Merlin didn’t think he was quite ready for that yet.  He had been given a Christmas miracle and he didn’t want to let it slip through his fingers so easily.  If he let Arthur leave now, Merlin wasn’t sure he’d be able to forgive himself.  He wanted him to remember.  He wanted them to be together again, to have a chance at what they didn’t before… before, well, he didn’t like to dwell on that particular memory.  He would just end up going back to his apartment with his tuna and sitting alone, in front of his computer, working on a novel that he really had no desire to write at the moment.  He knew it wasn’t really possible, that this Arthur had his own life now, and regardless of how much he wanted them to be able to pick up like nothing had changed between them, something like that wouldn’t be fair to Arthur.  Despite all of that, it didn’t mean that he didn’t want to milk this chance for all it was worth.

Arthur was paying the cashier, and Merlin knew he had to say something now or risk losing him.  “Say, you wanna go for a drink or something,” he blurted.  His words had tumbled out over themselves and even the cashier looked a little surprised by the sudden question.  “I mean, you know, if you’re not in a hurry or anything.”  Merlin hoped he wasn’t, and he licked his lips in apprehension as he began to put his own items on the conveyor belt.

Arthur seemed to take a minute to consider what he had just been asked, and Merlin focused on digging around in his wallet for exact change, and then on tugging on his bright blue scarf, which seemed to have increased in temperature about twelve degrees since he had asked the question.  The clerk was handing him his receipt and bags before Arthur ever answered.

“Sure, why not. My car is just out front. Is that all right?”

Merlin couldn’t help beaming at this, and he nearly dropped his bags in his haste, which had Arthur helping steady him so he didn’t topple over in the process of trying to straighten himself out.  Arthur’s grip on his shoulder was sure and grounding, though the effect was lost at his laughter at Merlin’s clumsiness.  “Yeah, yes, sure, of course, that’s perfect,” he babbled as he righted himself and tried to ignore Arthur’s, once again, mildly concerned look. 

Concern slipped into a wry grin as they headed out, “Careful, Merlin. I don’t want to add a trip to the emergency room to my list of Christmas festivities.”

_We went to have ourselves a drink or two_  
 _But couldn't find an open bar_  
 _We bought a six-pack at the liquor store_  
 _And we drank it in her car_

_We drank a toast to innocence_  
 _We drank a toast to now_  
 _And tried to reach beyond the emptiness_  
 _But neither one knew how_

Nothing was open.  Of course nothing was open.  It was Christmas Eve and anyone with any sense was home with their family, except that Merlin didn’t have any family, and the fact that Arthur was sitting next to him begged the question as to why he wasn’t home with his own family.  After a fair bit of driving, they had managed to find a singular ABC store that had stayed open in hopes of making a profit on lonely Christmastime drunks.  They bought a six pack of cheap booze and sat in the parking lot with the radio playing softly in the background as they drank.  Arthur had voted against it, but Merlin had insisted to him that it was festive and if they were going to spend Christmas Eve drinking they needed to be a little festive. It was snowing, which meant that it was freezing, but Arthur hadn’t wanted to sit with the car actually running with petrol prices as high as they were.  So they were huddled in their seats, talking and laughing about nothing at all, something Merlin had longed to do with Arthur since he had first lost him.  That had been the really difficult bit.  Of course Camelot had lost her king, and there were many people who had missed Arthur dearly, Gwen and the knights not the least of them, but Merlin missed their conversations.  He had missed their teasing banter and the time they had spent just being together.  He hadn’t been able to stay in Camelot for very long after they lost Arthur.  He had visited often, but could never bring himself to stay.   

“Do you believe in destiny, Arthur?”

“Destiny? Like everything happens and we don’t have any control over it? Cosmic fate or whatever it is?”

“Something like that,” Merlin smiled to himself a little.  “Some things are just meant to be, you know? And no matter how hard we try to change them…like how certain people, they end up in just the right place at just the right time doing just the right thing to meet just the right person. If they had done even one thing differently, forgotten to, I dunno, take out the trash that morning or gone a different way to get to work, everything would be different.”

Arthur snorted, took a swig of his beer, and gave Merlin a gentle punch in the arm, “Don’t be ridiculous, Merlin. People make choices, that’s all. Then they have to live with them. ‘Destiny’ is just something people use to make themselves feel better about the choices they’ve made. You have to take responsibility for whatever choices you make.”

“But what if the choices you made… what if they weren’t really yours at all? What if no matter what you did people were going to end up hurt or unhappy? What if your hand is forced? Isn’t that like destiny, then?”  Merlin caught the grimace on Arthur’s features as he took another drink, and he wondered if he was pressing too hard.  He hadn’t really meant to involve his feelings about what had happened in the past with this present version of Arthur, at least not right away.  He had just wanted to enjoy his company, but guilt was something he had never been able to escape.  Between the alcohol and Arthur being right there in front of him, for all intents and purposes the same except that he didn’t know Merlin, his guilt had come rushing at him.         

_She said she'd married her an architect_  
 _Who kept her warm and safe and dry_  
 _She would have liked to say she loved the man_  
 _But she didn't like to lie_

_I said the years had been a friend to her_  
 _And that her eyes were still as blue_  
 _But in those eyes I wasn't sure_  
 _If I saw doubt or gratitude_

“I’m engaged, you know.”  Merlin’s head snapped up and his eyes fell to Arthur’s ring finger.  It was bare, and Arthur smirked as his eyes followed Merlin’s.  “I know, no ring,” he held up his hand to solidify what he had said.  “Neither of us want to be engaged. Hell, I doubt if either of us really wants to be married at all. So we haven’t picked out rings yet.”

“Then, why…?”  Merlin didn’t understand why Arthur would ever marry someone he didn’t love.  Even when he had ruled Camelot he had married for love.  And though that put him almost completely out of reach for Merlin, he could accept it because Gwen had been good, and she and Arthur had loved one another.  He had been able to accept that, and had been content serving Arthur, just being by his side, for as long as he possibly could.  A relationship between the two of them had never been possible in the old days.  But meeting him here, now, where people were so free to do and be what they wanted, Merlin could hardly fathom any reasoning for this.  He had even hoped that once Arthur had come to know him again, then maybe, just maybe they could have something together.  This life could finally feel new to him.

“Because we both made choices, Merlin. Our families think its best, and while neither of us want it for ourselves, we’ve made the choice not to stir that pot. Elena is kind and beautiful, and brilliant, but I don’t love her. I’m sure she doesn’t love me either, but we come from powerful families, and this is just how things are done. It’s best for everyone if we don’t make a fuss.”

“For everyone but the pair of you.”  Merlin’s tone was a little bitter and he didn’t try very hard to keep it from his voice.  He could never advocate a relationship where either of the parties were unhappy for any reason.

Arthur held up his bottle in a toast, “To choices. And the responsibility that comes with them. I’ve chosen to uphold my family name, she’s chosen to do the same, and now we must face what comes with it. That isn’t destiny or fate, Merlin. I chose to come out to the supermarket tonight instead of staying in with my mother and father, and you ran into me.” He tilted his head a little, “Not entirely my fault, but I’ll take responsibility for being in the freezer food section for you to run into.”  

Merlin shook his head, “You’re an idiot.”  Stubborn as ever.  It hadn’t been any different back then.  When Arthur made up his mind about something it took an act of god, or in Merlin’s case, magic, to get him to change it.  It was both an endearing and exceedingly frustrating quality, and Merlin wondered if he had really spent all these years missing that.

_She said she saw me in the record stores_  
 _And that I must be doing well_  
 _I said the audience was heavenly_  
 _But the traveling was hell_

_We drank a toast to innocence_  
 _We drank a toast to now_  
 _And tried to reach beyond the emptiness_  
 _But neither one knew how_

_We drank a toast to innocence_  
 _We drank a toast to time_  
 _Reliving in our eloquence_  
 _Another 'Auld Lang Syne'_

“Sorry, sorry, I don’t even know why I’ve told you all that,” Arthur shook his head and chuckled.  “You know,you’re really rude for someone I just met. I just feel like… well, like I know you from somewhere. Are you sure we haven’t met before? What line of work are you in?”          

It took everything Merlin had in him not to just shake Arthur, shout at him that they did know each other, that they had always known each other, and that he never wanted them not to know each other again.  He wanted to scream that they were two sides of the same coin; they completed each other, that Merlin had spent centuries waiting just for him, and that he was sorry he hadn’t been able to save him, that he’d never ever let anything happen to him again.

“I’m a writer. I write fantasy novels. Magic and stuff,” he told him blandly.

Arthur’s brow furrowed, “Then it wouldn’t be work. I’m in stocks.”

Merlin rolled his eyes and took a deep drink from his bottle, “Well, Arthur, maybe you knew me in another life,” he told him flatly.  It was as much a joke as it wasn’t, and he said it more out of frustration than anything, which was why he was shaken to the core when a look of dawning crossed Arthur’s features.

“That’s it!” Arthur slapped his thigh with such force that Merlin nearly jumped out of his skin.  Arthur, on the other hand looked immensely pleased with himself and leaned across the armrest between them to look into Merlin’s eyes, “I _do_ know you.”

Merlin was pretty sure his heart had stopped beating for a moment.  Arthur was impossibly close, and he said _knew_ him, which was more than Merlin was possibly expecting.  He could feel the heat radiating off Arthur’s skin, “How do you know me,” he asked, his voice hardly above a whisper.  He didn’t want Arthur to pull away from him, not when he had wanted to be this close all night.  The air between them was fragile, like the most delicate of spells.  The little puffs of air coming from between their lips seemed proof enough of that.

“Elena, she loves your books,” Arthur grinned, and Merlin’s heart sank a little.  It wasn’t exactly what he had been hoping for, but maybe it should have been.  Still, they were close, so he didn’t move and made no mention of his disappointment.  Merlin didn’t know if he was strong enough to keep such a delicate spell, whatever it was between them at that very moment that made him feel like the all air had escaped from his lungs, from breaking completely if he let his feelings get the best of him. 

“I knew I had seen your face before. It must be on the back of your books, right? You must do rather well for yourself if even I’ve heard of you. I can’t say I have time to read much,” Arthur pointed out, seemingly still pleased with having solved his personal mystery.  It was so like him to think he had things all figured out when all along the truth of things had gone completely over his head.

Merlin nodded and sighed softly.  “I do all right. It’s great when people can appreciate something you’ve worked hard to build,” Merlin took a chance and let his fingers slide over to rest lightly on Arthur’s where he had placed them between them on the armrest earlier, and allowed the faintest brush of magic to warm through them.  He knew it was risky.  Arthur could shove him away, kick him out of the car and he’d probably never see him again, but Merlin had wanted just to touch him so badly that he wasn’t sure he cared.  They were both halfway through their third beer anyway.  At very least he could explain it away with tipsiness.  There wouldn’t be any way to explain away the magic, but it was hardly a touch, if anything Arthur would just think his hand was abnormally warm despite how cold it was in the car.  He swallowed as he waited for Arthur’s reaction, and when there was none, he decided to brave looking up at him.

_The beer was empty and our tongues were tired_  
 _And running out of things to say_  
 _She gave a kiss to me as I got out_  
 _And I watched her drive away_

_Just for a moment I was back at school_  
 _And felt that old familiar pain_  
 _And as I turned to make my way back home_  
 _The snow turned into rain_

The look in his eyes made Merlin’s breathing erratic and shallow, and he could almost swear that the Arthur sitting in front of him, just inches away, was the same one he had sworn himself to all those years ago in Camelot.  He wasn’t moving at all, and instead seemed to be trying to look straight through to Merlin’s soul.  His look was searching, but it was clear to Merlin that he didn’t quite know for what.  And while Merlin might have guessed that the touch of magic he had brushed him with might have stirred something deep in the recesses of Arthur’s mind, back in the parts that are seldom accessed even in dreams, he knew that Arthur couldn’t possibly put such fragmented pieces together.  Even if he had, Merlin doubted Arthur would believe them, and he knew there was nothing he could do about it that wouldn’t make him look like he was completely insane.  Ranting about a shared past life with a guy you just met was hardly any way to win points.   

Merlin took a deep breath and closed the remaining space between them.  It was something he had never gotten to do when Arthur had been alive before, and he didn’t think he could live with himself if he didn’t take the chance now.  He was mildly shocked, but pleasantly surprised when Arthur didn’t immediately pull away, but instead indulged him.  At least, that’s what Merlin felt it must have been, an indulgence, so he took full advantage of it, and let his fingers skate up Arthur’s arm and into fine, blond strands.  For as long as he lived he’d have this.  Even if he never saw Arthur again, he would cherish the moment for eternity, because it was Arthur.  He pulled away when he felt the tears threaten, and he tried for a casual tone.

“Sorry, I never should have…you just… you’re engaged. Right, I’ll, show myself out then. I don’t live far, I’ll walk.” he gave a chuckle, but he felt like he was going to fall apart at the seams.  He remembered that feeling.  Like he couldn’t breathe, like he was losing Arthur all over again and there wasn’t a thing he could do to stop it.  He had interrupted whatever life it was that Arthur had enough already and that wasn’t fair.  He hadn’t wanted to put him in any such position.  “Happy Christmas, all right?”  He grabbed his grocery bag and got out before Arthur was able to come completely to his senses.  He had always been a little slow when it came to these things. 

Merlin grinned, and gave a little wave as he shut the car door, and then backed off enough that Arthur could pull off without running over his toes.  He turned his back, the engine started, and Merlin turned back around just in time to see the sleek red feature disappearing from the lot.  Cold air stung his lungs as he breathed in deeply, the tears on his cheeks already mingling with what was falling from the sky.  He looked up as he realized that it wasn’t snowing anymore and that the ground beneath his worn, leather boots was moving towards grey slush, rather than crisp snow.  He pulled his scarf tighter around his neck and trudged toward home in freezing rain.

  
  
End


End file.
